What I Meant to Say

In early February 2017, Counselor to the President of the United States, Kellyanne Conway made reference to the nonexistent “Bowling Green Massacre” in three separate interviews. She later said, “I regretted it tremendously. I felt really badly about that and I apologized and I rectified.” She added, however, that she was happy to have raised awareness to the story even though she did it “inartfully.” —CNN

So, let’s clear the air about this issue of telling the truth. When we had our talk yesterday about responsibility, I admit there are certain things I may have said inartfully. For instance, on the subject of taking care of your things, when I said, “Every effing thing we buy you ends up in the trash heap!” and you replied by saying that that’s categorically untrue, citing many of the things we have bought you that remain in good condition on the shelf in your bedroom, I apologize am sorry you got your feelings hurt. I feel really badly about that. What I meant to say is that I have a high degree of self-loathing for having raised children who desire imported, possibly poisonous plastic toys from Target and I have insufficient spine to keep you from putting them in the basket and instead find myself saying, “Fine! But we’re taking this off your birthday list!” and you look serious and sad and earnest until I turn my back and you laugh silently and do the Moonwalk.

I, too, apologize admit that you may have misread what I was saying when I turned heads at Sophia M’s birthday party last weekend when I snarked, “Go ahead—eat another piece of cake and enjoy vomiting all day like last time when you ate all that cake.” Upon reflection, Dr. Madison did mention that you had the worst case of stomach flu she’d seen all winter that time. But still, the cake could have made you vomit all day. I stand by the fact that my statement has raised awareness around the eating too much cake leads to vomiting issue.

And yes, by all means, let’s talk about your little chat with grandpa about how much screen time I had when I was your age. First of all, there was less to do back then. This is a fact, you can look it up. Secondly, “hours and hours of Three’s Company reruns” is an irresponsible exaggeration—everyone over the age of 40 knows that Three’s Company is less what you might call a “TV show” and more a sociological study ahead of its time. Certainly not in the same boat as all those back-to-back Curious George episodes in your Netflix queue. But again, my words on the subject have been mischaracterized—when I said, “only stupid babies watch Curious George,” what I really meant to say is, “you’re a stupid baby.”

But let’s be honest, truth is really pretty much subjective, as posited by renowned philosopher Soren Kierkegaard and many other great men who are doing great things, more and more I notice. Except here. Here, what I say is the truth. What you say is misleading or overly sensitive or politically correct or straight up fake, especially if it’s qualitatively negative with regard to your impression of how well the parenting bodies of this house are doing their jobs. So what I say, goes. Get used to it.

And by all means please continue calling your aunts and uncles with all your complaints and the expectation that this will somehow affect the change you are seeking—I understand they are “keeping a tally.”  Good luck with that, kiddos. •

Photo props to @jaylender1 / @metalollie.


One Reply to “What I Meant to Say”

  1. Hilarious! I’ve wondered how I would’ve explained any of this to my kids a decade ago. Tough one as there is no explanation … Despite the BGM – #NeverForget – and then the pimping of Ivanka’s merchandise from the WH, good ol’ KAC keeps getting booked for interviews. She’s embarrassing … but then so is her boss … but still, MSM needs to stop having her on. Period.

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